I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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