apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
worst night to have a conscience
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
