hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
