I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
