Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
