I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
