I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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