so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
