yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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