Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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