doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
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you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
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I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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