I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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