I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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