It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
as a side note pls kill me
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