Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Hippo gnu deer
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
