I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
