you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
