i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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