y did u give ur computer a hand job?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Randomize
