I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
