i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
