Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
