My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
