uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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