did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
