You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
