Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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