My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
