I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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