I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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