I think I am morally bankrupt
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
