How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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