well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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