Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
