remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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