do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
