Did I show you my penis last night?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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