I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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