Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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