College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
