I'm so fucking centered right now
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
