Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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