It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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