Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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