I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
