Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I AM VODKA MAN
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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