My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
