i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
