I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
