k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
