Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
