I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
