True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
