Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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