I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
