We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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