She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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